Goodbye To You
by True Blue Healer
Summary: Max's thoughts in H/G -- May be more than one chapter...depends on replies...


Title – Goodbye To You  
  
Author – Me! ( Melissa  
  
Disclaimer – I, the lonely writer who wrote this, do not own Dark Angel or any of the characters mentioned in this fic, although…if I were given Alec…*mind wondering to bad places*…Uh, what? I'm back! I wasn't thinking about anybody in nothin' but a towel! LoL  
  
I don't own the song either; it belongs to Michelle Branch.  
  
A/N – This story doesn't really have a pairing, it's basically just my version of what Max was thinking when she lead Logan to believe that her and Alec were together. I've been contemplating posting this ever since I wrote it, and just finally got up the nerve!  
  
This is my first Dark Angel fic, and it's also my first POV, so keep that in mind! If this comes off a little sappy, well, considering the song I had playing behind me, it might be a little sappy – but I tried my best to be true to Max's character.  
  
Also, I might continue this to the scene right after on the Space Needle, but I'm not sure…I guess it depends on the reviews I get for this! (  
  
  
  
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***  
  
Of all the things I've believed in  
  
I just want to get it over with  
  
***  
  
I could see the hurt and pure pain in his eyes instantly. I guess, even through his drunken stupor, he had been hoping his account of the morning had been wrong. I had seen the look of hope in his eyes and heard the way the question had been phrased; in a way that if I answered right, answered the way he was hoping and praying I would, all would be ok.  
  
***  
  
Tears form behind my eyes  
  
But I do not cry  
  
Counting the days that pass me by…  
  
***  
  
But it wasn't ok. Nothing was ever 'ok' between us. Original Cindy called it 'bad timing', Kendra once told me that he and I were a match – we fit together and all we had to do was find our own nitch, Joshua tells me constantly that me and him and would be 'gettin' busy when the virus bitch goes down'.  
  
But what about when the virus bitch did go down? We had 12 full hours to be together – 12 hours to make it perfect, if even only for half a day. 12 hours of us being 'ok'.  
  
12 freakin' hours and not one thing happened, except for us dancing.  
  
OC called that Alec's fault, saying he coulda handled Glossamar on his own. Joshua told me everything would be 'ok' and he'd help me take down the virus bitch again.  
  
***  
  
I've been searching deep down in my soul  
  
Words that I'm hearing  
  
1 Are starting to get old  
  
***  
  
And Alec, well, Alec didn't say anything. I know he felt bad about, sorta. Everything out of his sphere of caring was bad on principal, but it didn't need his attention so he steered clear of it. Except for when we found Manticore's answer to the 'Little Mermaid'. But I think that had more to do with the fact that he thought she was hot.  
  
Sometimes, especially at times like these, I wish I could feel like Alec – be like him. I wish I still had a façade I could pull over my emotions and hide them from the rest of the world. Alec's is starting to crumble, little by little, but mine has been gone for years.  
  
***  
  
Feels like I'm starting all over again  
  
2 The last 3 years were just pretend  
  
***  
  
Since I moved in with Kendra, since OC got me job at Jam Pony, since I started to hang out with Sketchy and Herbal, since I found myself actual friends and family in them.  
  
Since I met him.  
  
He made me wanna be different. Because of him, I started to fight the 'good fight'. I took down the bad guys and righted their wrongs. He tore down all the barriers I had built when I escaped from Manticore.  
  
***  
  
And I said  
  
Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
***  
  
I look back and the irony of it all hits me in the face. Everything that has lead up to this, lead up to me breaking the heart of someone I love so dearly, it all started when I spied a Cat Goddess statue in a penthouse window.  
  
I lectured Alec on stealing, telling him harshly that it was wrong to steal – unless it was from 'bad guys'. But there I was, stealing from 'Eyes Only' and beating up his bodyguard.  
  
I think that's why he was so taken with me from day one. I was a contradiction. I was stealing from him like a brain-dead bum on the street, yet I eloquently explained why I was fascinated with the Goddess.  
  
I, a perfect stranger, had found out his secret and for once, left 'Eyes Only' speechless.  
  
He tore all my barriers and walls down, and now he's also the one to put them right back up.  
  
***  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
***  
  
"I can't…it's over, we're done. Get used to it."  
  
I can feel the walls rebuilding around my heart as the words leave my mouth. They shut the coldness in and my eyes go icy as I walk past him, leaving him standing there wordless once again, just like our first meeting.  
  
But I know I won't find him in my apartment, find him looking for me down at Crash, nor will he set up an elaborate meal for me this time. I'm not even sure if he'll want to think about me after this.  
  
***  
  
I still get lost in you eyes  
  
And it seems that I can't live  
  
A day without you  
  
***  
  
The look in his eyes proved all that.  
  
Maybe this is for the best. I know, deep down that it is, but maybe my heart will believe it now. I tried to leave him once before, when Zack took me away. We shared our first kiss then I was supposed to never see him again. I took on my brother, someone who meant everything to me, to get back to him.  
  
It was his almost death that brought me back. Now it's pushing me away this time.  
  
***  
  
Closing my eyes  
  
3 And you chase my thoughts away  
  
***  
  
Manticore really knew what it was doing when they put that stupid virus in me. I don't think Renfro coulda planed it any better. She took down 'Eyes Only' and X5-452 at the same time.  
  
The only thing she didn't think about was that she was taking down Logan Cale and Max Guevara at the same time.  
  
***  
  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
  
But it's not right  
  
***  
  
I've given up so much for Logan. I gave up my family, I sent my own brother away – Zack was the one person out there who understood what it was like to be me. He'd lived my life and knew what I had done back at Manticore – what we had both done and he still thought of me as someone worth caring for. I risked exposure to stay in Seattle with Logan.  
  
And now I have to give up my heart.  
  
Logan wanted me to make it all 'ok'. He wanted me to deny what he saw, tell him that Alec and I are just friends and that I love him, that I'll never stop loving him. He wanted me to lie and tell him we'd get through this, we'd take the virus bitch down and be like we were.  
  
***  
  
Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
***  
  
But I couldn't. I looked into his eyes, his pain ridden yet hopeful eyes, and I knew what I had to do. Alec might take offense to me misusing the situation, but if push came to shove, he'd go along with it. After all, wasn't he the one who had warned me about this?  
  
But Zack was the first. He came into town like a tornado and ripped everything up by the roots – everything but Logan and me. He tried again and again to get me to leave with him, but I kept telling him no. But it was Zack's last visit that made me reconsider the offer. It nearly killed me to deny knowing him that day in the hospital. I almost spilled the whole thing to him, my heart screaming for me to bring my brother back. I even considered going with him. The only thing that kept me in that seat was the fact that he looked happy and normal – he could be that now, without his Manticore memories.  
  
***  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
***  
  
I could never be normal for him. Zack would be happy and knowing me, knowing our past would ruin that. But it didn't stop me from wondering if I could have stopped all this from happening if I had left with him earlier that year when he wanted me to.  
  
Maybe everything woulda been better if I had. Logan would be ok and wouldn't have almost died and there wouldn't be a virus between us, I wouldn't have been shot, Zack wouldn't have had to give up his life for me, and maybe, just maybe, all of us would be leading a normal life.  
  
***  
  
And it hurts to want everything  
  
And nothing at the same time  
  
I want what's your and I want what's mine  
  
***  
  
But then I'm reminded of Joshua and Alec, who would still be back at Manticore if I hadn't been caught, of all those other X5's who would be mindless soldiers and brainwashed killers if I hadn't gotten them out when I did. Could I really put my own happiness before all those lives? Could I risk leaving Joshua and Alec in that hell just so that I could touch Logan?  
  
Manticore made me to be a soldier, to be emotionless and heartless, to do my job and never think otherwise. I was taught to kill and kill mercilessly, to take down my enemies and never think twice about it. It was me or them, and I was to survive at all costs. Never show mercy, never show emotions.  
  
For once, Manticore did one thing to help me.  
  
***  
  
I want you  
  
4 But I'm not giving in this time  
  
***  
  
I took all my training to walk out of his apartment, to walk out of Logan's life.  
  
Original Cindy once called me and Logan's relationship 'bad timing'. Kendra said we just needed to find out nitch. Joshua told me it would all work out, that we'd be 'ok' again.  
  
But how could we be 'ok' again when we never were?  
  
***  
  
Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
***  
  
I love Logan Cale. I love 'Eyes Only' and everything he is about, everything he is. I love how he changed me, made me be a better person.  
  
Original Cindy was right about one thing: bad timing. But me and Logan didn't have bad timing, 'love' did. I can tell everyone that me and him weren't 'like that' or we were 'just friends', but love screwed all that up.  
  
***  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…  
  
And when the stars fall, I will lay awake  
  
You're my shooting star…  
  
***  
  
I don't know OC or Kendra's or Joshua's opinions on love, but I know mine.  
  
Love sucks.  
  
  
  
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Ok, seriously, what did you guys think??? Like I said, this is my first attempt at a DA fic, so please be gentle! 


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